Learning to Love...

A Letter my Husband (CB) and I(KB) wrote to a high school youth group last year...be forewarned, it's a little long...

To a generation in the process of learning how to love...

Love. A word used so commonly and dreamed about in so many ways. Relationships. Maybe a scarier word? Commitment. Scarier still? As you discuss these topics today in your class, never forget the giver of all wisdom, our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. While today won't answer all your questions, He's always available to help and guide you through this process as you learn how to love. We (CB and KB), wish so incredibly much that we could be there with you today. But, as we can not, we leave it up to LH, BB, RH, and TQ to share what they've learned throughout their years of developing relationships. Hopefully this letter will give you a tad bit of an insight into how we not only see our relationship, but the idea of dating as God sees it. So, you might be thinking, what is this letter really all about?

SEX. Well, not just sex. Moreso about God's plan for sex. Most of you have encountered this topic in some form in the past couple years. Each of you walked in to this room this morning with different points of view on relationships and what they mean. Let us start off by telling you our story, and what God has taught us over the past couple years.

KB: I grew up a shy and timid girl, interested in boys from afar but not actively dating. I loved reading all the "romance" books and watching the movies, but I often wondered when it would be my turn. When I was 13, I read a book where a man and a woman got married, and their first kiss was at the alter. This story so inspired me that I decided I wanted to do the same thing. I began reading various books on Christian dating and courtship, and started desiring a relationship someday that focused more on God's plan for marriage than on the temporary pleasures of dating. When I entered college, I was still yet to have a date. My freshman year, I met so many people with similar values and goals that I was sure I would find someone soon. At the end of my freshman year, I did meet someone that I thought was really interested in me. Praise God, though, it was not meant to be. The relationship never took off, and it was around that time that I began to form a deeper friendship wth CB, who I had also met that year. It was the middle of sophomore year when this wonderful man informed me that he "liked me" at a small little park in Chagrin Falls, Ohio.

CB: My story is quite the opposite. I grew up in my own ignorance before I knew Christ. Throughout high school, I thought that girlfriends were just a part of life. When one relationship ended, I sought to replace it with another. Now I say that I grew up in my own ignorance because, long before these relationships ever occured, I had set personal boundaries, or goals, that I would remain faithful, abstinent, and even save my first kiss only for the one I would marry. But in a 9th grade relationship, some of these boundaries were forgotten, or broken down, from the temporary highs of physicalities. My "first kiss dream" went out the window. Through physical lust, I was blinded, and once that door was opened in my life, it was a very, VERY, difficult one to close. After the excitement of kissing lost it's zeal, I had to find something else to keep the relationship exciting, and then something else, and then something more, and then something more still. I was caught in a downward spiral, and I couldn't get enough. Over the next couple years, the relationships I had had begun as acquaintances, and immediately switched gears to relationships based on where we could go physically. I thought that true friendship could only grow after that. And what's worse, I even knew at the time, deep within my heart, that I would not marry these girls...that we wouldn't end up together. But I kept the relationships going, hoping things would get better. If I could only go back and kick myself... Because of those temporary highs, I had NO IDEA of the future pain I was producing for myself, for those girls, AND for my future spouse, whoever that will be. But there's good news. I met Christ and He knew what was best for me. He allowed me to meet this girl...and allowed us to become friends first...FRIENDS!!! :) God had taken my previous knowledge of starting a relationship and tossed it out the window and started this one out right. And this friend had some core values about relationships that sounded like some goals that I'd used to know. God used this amazing friend to bring me back to Him. And what's awesome? I liked her. I asked her out with the precept that we could end up together, if God so chose. It was not just so I could have another girlfriend. And with this precept, we started dating.

KB: When we first realized we liked eachother, we weren't really sure where to go with it. I had never dated before, and we wanted to make sure that we were following God's will every step of the way. Instead of "dating" right away, we decided that we were "insmoggerated", meaning that we liked eachother. As we transitioned from friendship to more than just friends, we examined our boundaries and values about relationships. From the beginning we agreed not to kiss. This was especially important to me since I still wanted to follow my original goal, for my first kiss to be at the alter. CB discovered that he too desired to do this to honor God; in fact, it was something he had really been desiring all of his life. We won't go into specifics on other boundaries, but our primary desire has always been to honor God, our future spouses, and eachother with our relationship. This has by no means been easy. We've been dating for a little over 2 years now, and are so thankful for where God has brought us. Of course, we now call it "dating", and around the 2 year mark excitedly discovered that we no longer "liked" eachother, but instead were overflowing with love.

There are so many things that we would share with you if we had the time, but we also want this letter to be one of encouragement. So many things in the world today are screaming of broken hearts and fun that doesn't last. We just want you to know that it is possible to honor God in your relationship. It is possible to stay pure and honor your future spouse with more than just your body. And most of all, it is possible to survive high school and college while trying to glorify God with your life. More than possible, it's imperative!

So here are some things we've learned that help us to make wise decisions:
-God holds our relationship in his hands. It is his choice when to hold on to it and when to let go. If He lets go, it is because He has something far better waiting. And that goes for anything in life. ' For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' Jeremiah 29:11 (And that doesn't mean that life is always going to go our way!) Rather,God will always do what is best for our eternal good, whether we like it or not at the time.
-God designed men and women to be different. Let's not try to change that. Let's celebrate the way we were designed to complement eachother. And that goes for personality traits as well as for gender differences. Now men, here's your chance to step up. We firmly believe that God designed men to be the initiator in the relationship. But it's getting more difficult for this natural progression to occur when men are slightly less than straightforward about their intentions. So be honest with the women you're interested in, or even not interested in. Let her know, that as your sister in Christ, you care too much about her to lead her on. Women, this doesn't exclude you however. Just because you're looking for men who are "wild at heart" (see books below), and willing to pursue you, doesn't mean that we can parade around like a spring break tv segment. Be aware that how you dress and act can easily cause a brother in Christ to stumble and fall. And be honest in your intentions also. Honesty can make a big difference in both friendships and romantic relationships.
-Don't settle for second best. If you know that God is calling you to end a relationship, don't be afraid to walk away. God has chosen you, his son or daugher, and He wants nothing more than the best for you. If you let Him lead, He'll take you there. But beware, giving your relationships over to Him will not only be the best thing you've ever done, but also the scariest.
-When you begin a relationship, set your boundaries right from the start. It only gets harder as you go on. Write them down and share them with people you trust to help hold you accountable. And don't be afraid to set your standards high. My parents always say, the more intimacy you save for marriage, the bigger the blessing.
-During any relationship, take into consideration that this may not be the person God has planned for you marry. If it's not, are you treating them in such a way that will bring joy or sadness to their future spouse? What about your future spouse when you share your previous relationships? Will your actions cause them pain? Just take the time to reflect on how the temporary pleasure of indulging in physical intimacys with a boyfriend or girlfriend can really affect your future wife or husband.

So, we promised we would talk about sex. Does it still seem that important? Maybe part of the reason God designed it for within the covenant of marriage is that we have so much other stuff to work out before we get to that point.

And lastly, but probably most importantly, remember that our God is the God of second chances. Wherever you've been, wherever you're at now, He's ready and willing to wipe the slate clean and set you free by His Grace. He frees you to live in relationships that seek to honor Him in every way.

It's your choice. It's your life. This is just a small portion of what we chose. This is our story. We'd love to hear yours.

In His Love,
CB and KB